Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop Holiday Gift Guide is "Ridiculous but Awesome"

It’s the most wonderful—and wacky—time of the year! Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop drops its annual holiday gift guide today, and, as can be expected from the lifestyle-slash-wellness brand that propelled jade eggs and vagina-scented candles into the collective consciousness, this year’s wish list is as outrageous and over-the-top as ever.   

With a few nods to the age of quarantine, Goop’s Christmas curation ranges from the fairly ordinary (e.g. a wireless charging station with built-in UV LED sanitizer and a matcha starter kit) to the eyebrow-raising (e.g. a post-structuralist vulva colouring book and a transformable vibrator necklace) to the downright bizarre (a gemstone heat therapy mat, a collar and lead bondage set, and a remote healing session by a beauty witch, anyone?). Paltrow even dedicated an entire section to “ridiculous but awesome” gifts, which includes a cut of A5 wagyu beef worth over $2,450, a pyramid-shaped commode, and a mobile home office/yoga studio/bedroom.

Here, L'OFFICIEL rounds up 8 of the most extravagant and, uh, unusual items you can consider for a truly unforgettable festive season.

Transpose the electrical currents emitted by your favourite houseplants into soothing music with this ingenious device.

Get into the spirit of the season (literally) with an Ouija talking board crafted in “hand-poured, glitter-bombed acrylic.”

Paltrow may be gluten-free, but that shouldn’t stop you from declaring your undying love for refined carbs with this rustic batard LED lamp, which is made of real bread coated in resin.

Forget those reusable shopping totes, if you’re looking to step up your supermarket style, try this leather watermelon bag instead.

Apparently, stick-and-poke tattoos hurt less and heal quicker than those done by machine, but still, maybe don’t try this at home.

A dream home, but in miniature. This custom-built tiny home takes downsizing to another level.

You too can be royalty, or at least nobility, thanks to this little kit that grants you a souvenir plot of land in Scotland and the title of “Laird” or “Lady.”

Described as “functional art,” this sleek and sculptural self-heating bathtub is the definition of sheer luxury, because a regular shower just doesn’t cut it anymore.